Saturday, March 21, 2015

Joshua's Nucular Texas Chili

This isn't really about hiking, but I'm not sure where else to put it, so here it goes.  Here is my recipe for "Nucular Texas Chili."  I just made a batch, but I didn't have exactly the right stuff, so I had to do a few substitutions.  This is because I've never actually written down exactly what I do want to use, so I don't necessarily remember to go get it.

There are also a few vague directions here.  I make this more as an art than a science, and it can be varied and modified somewhat to taste.

Feeds a bunch.  If they're man enough to take it.  Also; causes spontaneous growth of chest hair, a drop into Barry White range for your voice, and works pretty well to clean up oil stains on your driveway if necessary.  Use metal utensils; might dissolve plastic ones.

Not for consumption for those who are pregnant, have heart trouble, stomach trouble, or who are sissies.
  • 2 lbs meat.  Or so.  Your choice.  I had a pound of ground venison and about a pound and a half of venison steak which I chopped, so that's what I used.  2 lbs hamburger meat is probably easier and more convenient for most to get, however.
  • 1 onion
  • 1 poblano pepper
  • 2 or so jalapeños (fresh ones, not pickled.)
Chop all of that stuff up and cook in a skillet together until the meat is brown.  Dump everything into a large pot and put on high heat.
  • Dump in 2 cans (14-16 oz. each) chili beans
  • 1 can diced tomatoes 14 oz.
  • 1 can black beans 14 oz.
  • 1 can tomato sauce 8 oz.
  • 1 bottle green olives 8 oz., including brine
Stir all this together and get ready to season to taste.  This is what I use, and about how much I use, but I freely admit that I just take the top of seasonings off and dump it in until it looks about right.  For most, it's the equivalent of about 1-2 heaping Tbsps.
  • Salt
  • chili powder
  • chopped red pepper
  • ground cumin
  • ground oregano
  • fresh cilantro
  • minced garlic
  • liquid smoke
  • Dave's Insanity Sauce
Stir everything up and cook until boiling.  It'll be pretty soupy; I prefer to let it simmer for a while to become thicker and burn off some of the water.  Serve hot, if you can.

I should point out that true Texas chili shouldn't ever be made with beans, of course.  However, there are good reasons why we do so--notably that beans taste good and are cheap.  To avoid using beans, you'd have to replace the cans of beans with about another pound of meat each.

Ideally, of course, the chili would be made with 5 lbs of cubed steak, marinated in a lime-flavored marinade, and have none of the beans.

The beans (or at least the juice/sauce that they come in) also serve to keep the chili from being too dry.  Although I've never made an all-meat version before, even if it is ideal (because 5 lbs of cubed steak is like $20 by itself) I'd have an extra small can of tomato sauce and be ready to add it if necessary, just to give the whole affair more sauce if it's coming out really dry.  I'd also consider adding a small can of green chilis, and I'd love to have some fresh limes I could squeeze for their juice too.

I have to admit that these are all hypothetical, though--I've never actually made it that way; I'd just like to.

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